Good Things

Peter had an appointment on Monday with the orthopedic surgeon again. Everything seems to be healing like it should and he will get the cast off on the 21st! I'm so happy he gets it off before Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas we still haven't decorated or anything. No tree, no nativity scene.... I'm hoping to get everything up tomorrow. With 3 kids under 3 everything seems to take 3 times the amount of energy it normally would. So decorating has not been a priority. But it is getting done this year because last year it wasn't done at all. No tree, I think I did hang the stockings though. That was because Micah was only here for a week for Christmas so there didn't seem to be much point. So it is definitely getting done this year........ sometime. =)

Oh and I was also able to take a tour of the preschool Peter and hopefully Isaac will be going to next year. They will be going to Head Start and if they are still in therapy by the time they go they will get to go for free. I am so excited about that and I loved the school. The Head Start program here is also a Montessori program which is awesome. The kids were all so well behaved and everything was tailored to each individual child. There were very few group lessons. The teacher mainly worked for several minutes with each child one by one and went at that childs pace. So none of the kids who were further ahead were bored and none of the kids who were a little behind were struggling to keep up. And if Peter needs it he will get an aide that will help him in the classroom. He will also get his speech and OT at school as well! They even eat breakfast there (which is provided by the school). They can even ride the bus to school (although I certainly wouldn't do this at first). I am in love. Now the only thing I need to decide is whether I want them going a full day or a half day. The school is only open 4 days a week (Monday - Thursday) and goes from 8-2. I am really leary of sending them for that long a day when they are only 3. I am leaning towards 3 days a week and those being only half days. But I talked with the teacher about it and she said they would be missing a lot of stuff. And I'm not sure if Peter would be able to get his therapy in. There's a lot to think about but I have time. What did you do for your kids if you sent them to preschool? Did they go a full day or half days?

Dying To Live

This post may seem like it is coming out of nowhere but I felt like I had to get this out on paper. I've been struggling with depression and at times despair for about 2 years. And when I say depression I don't just mean a feeling of general sadness. I mean depression, as in I was clinically diagnosed with it earlier this year, as in crying every day sometimes for what seemed like no reason at all, as in losing interest in everything. I think you get the picture.

I went to a psychologist (a Christian one) which helped tremendously. And based on his tests and observations he said I overcame it. And I did. Briefly. But then it came back. I knew I couldn't go on living this way. I felt so alone, the most alone I have ever felt. My depression stemmed from a lot of things: infertility, having twins as my first babies, moving, Micah's job issues, Peter's problems, having another baby less than 2 years after having twins, etc.... And it all seemed to hit at once.

But I think the thing that bothered me most was the move. I've blogged about it on this blog before so I won't beat a dead horse. But we left a great church and a lot of great friends. And we were having trouble finding that here. I wanted to go back soooo badly. I had even convinced Micah to look for jobs there and that we should move back. But deep deep down I knew that was wrong. The Holy Spirit was trying to tell me that phase of my life was over. He had other work for me to do and that I needed to surrender to Him and let it go. But I wouldn't. I was sure that the only way I would be happy again was to go back there.

Thank God He is infinitely patient with us. He waited and kept nudging me, bringing trials into my life, and taking things away to get me to look at Him. When instead I was trying to run away. What made me think of this tonight was our pastor preached on Jonah on Sunday. How God asked Jonah to do something. Something that would be incredibly difficult and instead of obeying God, Jonah literally ran away. Of course you can't run away from God forever. And God brought difficulties into Jonah's life to get him to realize that the only way he would find peace was to obey God. Unfortuately Jonah never learned his lesson. But hopefully I have this time.

The Bible in many places talks about dying to self ("But if a grain of wheat dies it produces many seeds." John 12:24) ("Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matt 10:39). Letting your desires die so that you can fulfill God's will. And that's what I had to let happen. I had to let my desire to go back to Hampton Roads die or I would never find peace.

I finally let that happen about a month ago. And almost instantly there was a change. And I can honestly say that I haven't found myself in the depths of depression or despair since. It is a great release and there is a peace that is over me now. I've died to my desires and found abundant life. And finally now that I've surrendered to God, He is slowly beginning to reveal His will for my life and what He wants me to do next. And now that I have let go I am free to follow Him. I only wish I would have done it sooner. I could have saved myself so much grief and heartache. I hope I will never make the same mistake again.

Boys Update & Pics

Ian: He now has a front tooth out on top as well as 2 on the bottom. Not only is he reaching milestones faster than the boys, looks like he is doing everything faster. He is cruising a little but still hasn't mastered it yet. I think the problem is just that there is not much to cruise on. The way we have our furniture nothing is connected. But I am in no hurry at all for him to start walking.

Isaac: He has become my little helper lately. He will try to help me doing any chore (laundry, dishes, sweeping etc....) He has even started helping me with Ian which is so cute. He will try to feed him all the time. Not his bottles but his solid food. And he is pretty good at it too. Other than that, not much else is going on. He continues to say more and more words, even things I haven't taught him yet. I think we are going to have a problem with him and jealously. If I show any affection to one of the other boys he immediately wants attention himself. And he hates it if I have another of the boys on my lap while he is up there. Sigh. So much for twins having an easier time learning to share.


Peter: I think he is going to have a lot of freckles like me. =) He has already started to get his first ones. One on his ear and one on his belly. So cute. And I think he and Ian are going to be closer than Isaac and Ian. They play together a lot and laugh at each other all the time. Peter especially likes to bounce Ian when he is in his bouncer. And then they both laugh. I love it! And I really feel like Peter has an amazing talent for music. I have heard him play parts of songs like Mary Had a Little Lamb and Jesus Loves Me. I would have thought it was a fluke but I've heard it multiple times and so have others. He adored the piano at my moms house over Thanksgiving and even has his fingers placed correctly and everything. He is getting a little piano for Christmas and I'm sure he will love it. When he gets older we will see if we can get him lessons. It may be a little harder to do because of his learning problems but we will do it. Oh and Peter did great again the other day for his OT. She started singing Twinkle Twinkly Little Star and left the last word off of each verse. And Peter filled them in!! He got all the words right. He has never done that before. The other times she has tried it he has just stared off into space. I am ecstatic because it means he is absorbing everything, it is just having a hard time coming out. And on that note I think I tend to sell Peter short. Others try to get him to do something and in a defeatist attitude I say, "Oh he can't do that." Well maybe he can and I just never gave him a chance. I feel terrible and am going to believe in him more and focus more on what he can do and not on what he can't do.


Now here are some pics:

When you're the mom to this many young kids you have to learn to multitask

Ian in his bathrobe.

Isaac meets goat

Isaac in the hay maze

Nobody here but us chickens!

First Autism Appointment

Today was the first of many appointments we had to get Peter's testing started. This first appointment was for parents only. It was an emotional day for me. A dear friend of mine, Pam, texted me the day before to ask if I was nervous. I texted back and said, "No not nervous....." How very wrong I was. I ended up getting only an hour of sleep last night because I was so anxious about everything. Some tears were shed too.

Then today I was emotionally fried. I never actually cried but there were many times that tears came to my eyes. The drive to the hospital where our appoitment was took almost 3 hours. Thank goodness Micah was able to come with me and drive. Don't know if I would have had the energy to do it myself.

When we got there everyone was super nice. Smiles were on everyones faces, even the receptionist. You could tell that everyone was so happy to work there. It just confirmed to me that this was the place I wanted to take Peter. The drive was well worth it.

We have very little wait. Everything was super efficient. We waited less than 5 minutes to see the psychologist. Basically she just sat down with us and asked us our concerns about Peter. She typed everything we said into her laptop and it was alot. She told us that she will take this information and decide on the best way to evaluate Peter. The next time we come back (which won't be till Feb 15) we will bring Peter with us and that is when the bulk of the testing will be done. And the good thing is that these tests don't just test for autism. By the end of this we will know Peter's diagnosis, whether it be autism, sensory integration dysfunction, etc... And we will develop a plan of action on how best to help him.

I guess talking to a friendly psychologist about your child might not seem that upsetting. I think the thing that got to me was see the word autism typed out near my childs name. Seeing the pictures of other children with the disorder on the walls. It made it more real.

The part of the hospital we went to was not just for autism, it was for Downs syndrome too. There were also lot of pics of kids who had Downs syndrome on the wall as well. But I was particularly struck by one photo and wished I could have taken a picture of it. It was of an african american girl who looked to be around 8 years old. She was wearing a beautiful white dress and had a hoola hoop around her waist. That would have made a beautiful enough picture but what engraved the picture on my heart was her smile. I have never seen more joy on a human face in my entire life. I will probably never see that picture again but I will never forget that smile. So many times parents get the diagnosis of Downs syndrome while their child is in the womb and they feel like it is a death sentence. Many children are aborted because of it. But of how thankful I am that the parents of that little girl didn't let that diagnosis affect them. Her little face just radiated joy and I believe she is loved beyond measure and living a full life.

Anyways, beside the pictures was a story called Welcome To Holland, written by the mom of a special needs child. I have read it before and probably many of you have too. She put into words perfectly exactly how I feel. Here are her words:

"Welcome to Holland"

By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987. All rights reserved.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Best Thanksgiving Ever!

I would have to say that this Thanksgiving was the best yet. Although Micah may not agree since he got a migraine Thanksgiving day and missed the dinner. =( I'm not sure what exactly made it the best but if I had to name one thing it was all the wonderful people we got to spend it with.

We left on Saturday to drive to Williamsburg VA with Micah's parents. We don't have any family there, it is just one of our favorite places to visit and we've been there on Thanksgiving several times. The drive there was sooo much easier with Micah's parents there. We had more adults than children which helped tremendously! All of us arrived much less tired than we would have been.

Sunday we (minus my inlaws) went to our old church for their service. The drive was about 45 minutes but it was so worth it. We've managed to visit there at least once a year since we moved and everytime we visit its as if we've never left. After the service we went out to eat with a bunch of our old friends and I got to see my friends new baby for the first time. Right after lunch was over Micah took the boys back to Williamsburg and I drove down to VA Beach to visit with a friend I've known since I was 5! I love how we have kept in touch all these years. Not many people my age can say they've been friends with someone for 25 years! Makes me feel like celebrating an anniversary or something. =) I only got to visit with her for a couple hours but once again it was so worth it. When I got back to Williamsburg we went out to eat. Full but fun day.

Monday we took the boys down to the aquarium in VA Beach. They loved it but definitely started getting cranky by the end. It was nice to take them somewhere like that because there isn't anything like that around here. The closest aquarium is over an hour and a half away. We went out to eat again that night. I think this was the night we also took the boys to the Yankee Candle Company. If you ever go to Williamsburg you have to stop by even if you don't plan on buying anything (which we didn't). The inside is set up like a little village. In the first room the ceiling is painted like the sky with a fountain in the center. There was also a huge clock and an animatronics (I think that's the right word) show at set intervals. When you go into the next big room the floor is cobble stones and there is a bridge. The ceiling in there is black with tons of little lights that look like stars. And about every 5 minutes it snows!! And I don't mean little bits of paper, it's snow and actually melts when it hits the ground. I'm not sure if they just make it snow in the winter or year round but the kids had a blast.

Tuesday we spent walking around the historical part of Williamsburg. We didn't go in many shops but it was neat to see people dressed up in colonial clothes with carriages going by. It was also decorated for Christmas. Then Tuesday night we drove to eat dinner with some dear friends.

Wednesday we left Williamsburg to drive up to my parents. Micah's parents went back home. The drive should have taken less than 4 hours but with traffic it ended up taking a little over 6. It was the first time Ian had gone to my parents.

Thursday of course was Thanksgiving. We ate a lot of good food. Like I said before Micah had a migraine but was able to come down later to eat.

Friday was spent relaxing. Friday night Micah, my sister, and I went to my brothers apartment which my parents babysat. We ate dinner, played games, and watched movies.

Saturday some other friends of my mine from highschool came over and brought their 6 week old baby girl. It was so good to see them since it had been over 2 years since we've seen each other. My brother came over again Saturday night and we all played games. Unfortunately Micah and I got some sort of sickness Tuesday evening. We're still not really sure what it was. I almost feel back to myself tonight. It never fails, I almost always get sick Thanksgiving week. I can count on one hand the number of times I haven't.

Sunday we drove back home. It was not fun at all. It was a lot harder getting the boys from the van into the places we stopped without his parents to help. Plus we both felt terrible. By the time we got home it was past everyones bedtime and the kids were cranky. Ian schedule was thrown off and was still off tonight too.

But that was a small price to pay for all the fun we had. I will remember this Thanksgiving for a long time.

I could write a list of things I'm thankful for but it all boils down to 3 things:

1) My God and Savior Jesus Christ
2) My family
3) And my friends, old and new

For any family and friends that are reading thank you! Each one of you have made my life special in some way and it wouldn't be the same without you. You are my real treasures.

And I am sooooo behind in posting pics. Someday I'll get to it. =)

Experts

When I was a new mom I looked to the experts for everything because I knew...... nothing. The experts included my mom, books, doctors, therapists, friends, etc.... But sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. Too many cooks spoil the soup. Too many experts baffle the mommy. Because sometimes there is no cut and dry answer and many times there is no right answer or many right answers.

Take when to start feeding your baby solids for the first time. Everyone has a different answer. My pediatrician said 4 months, the boys therpists said 2 months or even earlier, the La Leche League says 6 months. Argh! What to do?!

At first when situations like that came up I would ponder all the answers for days, sometimes weeks. I just knew one of them had to be more right than the others and I wanted to do the absolute best thing for my babies.

But you know what? Sometimes the experts aren't really the experts. Sometimes you as the mommy are the expert even if you're a first time mommy and aren't sure what you're doing. So if you're stressing yourself out like I used to do over these things please don't. Just go with your gut. That mothers instinct really does exist. It will tell you what the right answer is for your kid. Maybe it's not the right answer for the kid next door but that doesn't matter.

And no, I am not an expert. =)

Prematurity Awareness Day

November is prematurity awareness month and today (Nov. 17) is Prematurity awareness day. The March of Dimes has been collecting money for research and education on how to prevent premature births. If you want more information on what they do (or want to donate) you can click on the button below.

All of my boys were premature. The definition of premature in the medical community is any baby born before 37 weeks. The twins were born at 35wks 3days and Ian was born at 36wks 3days.

We kind of figured that the twins would be born early because almost all twins are born before 37 weeks. Thankfully we made it pretty far and they were born healthy and with no problems. They didn't have to spend any time in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) which is where some premies spend the first days, weeks, or months of their lives. Some never leave alive and some are born still.

So when my boys were born healthy and got to come to the room with us I thought we were in the clear. Take that prematurity! You can't hurt us! Wrong..... Just because they didn't have any problems initially didn't mean that their early birth had no effect on them. I was naive enough to think it did. Little did I know that there would be months and possibly years of therapy to come.

Isaac (our second born by one minute) needed physical therapy for about a year because he had low muscle tone. He achieved all his motor milestones late. At 4 months old he still had trouble lifting his head, didn't roll over till he was 7 months (many babies are crawling at this point), wasn't able to sit up on his own till almost 9 months (many babies are pulling up to stand by this time), wasn't crawling till his first birthday (many babies are walking at this point), and didn't start walking till he was 20 months old. Of course now you wouldn't know he had so much trouble. =) He is running, almost jumping, starting to get stairs down. But it took a lot of hard work for him to get to where he is now.

Peter (our first born) had no trouble with his motor skills but his prematurity affected him as well. It many affected his speech and cognitive skills. He has just now in the past month started saying words and he is still way behind on his play skills and reasoning skills. He will still read books upside down, spins the wheels on cars instead of making them go, banging blocks together instead of stacking them. He has trouble eating. Right now we are working on trying to get him to chew and bite off pieces of food instead of stuffing the whole thing in his mouth. I never though I would have to teach a baby to eat. I just thought that was a given. He has trouble following directions and for a while wouldn't respond to his name. Peter has a longer road ahead of him. We are definitely seeing improvements. But progress has been slow. We are still going through with autism testing for him. I have my first meeting with the hospital Dec 2nd. Sometimes I think that if they had stayed in my belly for just one more week they could have avoided a lot of these things.

Even Ian, who was born exactly one week later than the boys, was affected by his prematurity. They had to take him early because I developed HELLP Syndrome, which is a rare disorder that causes high blood pressure, seizures, liver and kidney failure, and sometimes death of the mother. It usually has no effect on the babies except that the only cure for it is to deliver the baby. And sometimes it is too soon for the baby to survive. Thankfully I was almost to term. But Ian was readmitted to the hospital 24hrs after we were discharged because he body temp was really low and he was starting to have apnea episodes (where he stops breathing for several seconds). Premies have a harder time than full term babies regulating their body temps. He spent another 3 days in the hospital. He had to get 2 spinal taps, an IV, many blood draws, was put under special lights for his jaundice, ect.... Once again I think if he had just stayed in there for a week longer many he could have avoided that. He's fine now and meeting all his milestones just fine. I'd like to think that he was in the clear but we thought Peter was fine too. He didn't start to really fall behind till after his first birthday.

However, after saying all this I want to say how blessed I feel. We got to take our babies home. Many parents don't. And even though they've had their struggles, they are minor compared to the struggles that some premies have. Some face chronic breathing problems, mental retardation, seizures, ect... Please take a moment and pray for those families who are struggling with grief over the loss of a baby or who struggle everyday to take care of a baby with health issues.

It is my hope and prayer that with organizations like the March of Dimes we can one day put an end to premature births.